i’ve forgotten the last time i couldn’t sleep at night. and now here i am, hungry and wide awake, picking up my old habit of writing some sorta soft and calm, or rather, sentimental piece of memoir of mine~

oh yeah, i’m too free lately, hence the insomnia~

it’s really good to have your favorite songs being the companions of the dark cold windy night: a night after heavy rain, leaving only the cold air of serenity, breathed by those who are in deep slumber, as well as folks who’re still busy with their stuff out there.

i don’t know about others, but late night is the time my brain runs best. it sleeps at day, thinks at night. no wonder it is always damn heavy whenever i need to activate it during day time. it takes me a hell lot of effort to think just one simple question like: what should i have for lunch? not to mention the rest like: what time should i go for lunch? then~

uhh…

what a lovely cold dark night~

a couldn’t be more familiar sentence that begins to make her sick. “i’m not capable,” is what she used to receive from people around her. because “i’m not capable,” she has to find whatever she wants on her own. because “i’m not capable,” jealousy has become her shadow that can’t be separated. she has to accept it, no matter how unwilling she is. she has to work harder than anybody else just to get something that is effortless to other people.  people always ask her “why don’t you?” or “why do you?” if she is capable, she would have done it ages ago. if she is capable, she wouldn’t choose to be an island.

why can’t “am not” just become “am?”

why can’t people just make it capable for the sake of her?

why is she always the living sacrifice with wide opened eyes seeing others receiving what she doesn’t get to taste?

why does she always have to rely on herself?

is that what she deserve?

anyway, sorry that she’s forgotten, you are in fact no longer bound to this bullshit.

Jesus understood us. Yes, he did! You can tell it by his language. It was the language of love. Paul says that love has good manners (1 Corinthians 13:5), and if you care to read the way the Lord Jesus addressed the women he met, you can actually hear love talking. He said “daughter,” “little girl,” and even “daughter of Abraham,” as in this passage. What courtesy and comfort, for women in Jesus’ day were treated like dirt. When the priggish Pharisees dragged a woman in front of him who was “caught in adultery,” Jesus saved her from possible stoning and then dealt firmly with her (John 8:3-11). He was not rude or rough, but polite while firm.

It’s awfully important how you talk to people. Jesus always seemed to say the right thing the right way! When I was a young youth worker, I was given a lot of responsibility suddenly. It went to my head. Being a strong sort of character, it was not long before I was busy bossing everyone about. “Jill,” my fellow worker sweetly said to me one day, “I would like to be asked – not told.” I needed that! Jesus didn’t boss women around. He understood us; he knew we liked to be asked, not told. He used the language of love, and so must we if we would follow in his steps and if we would see anything accomplished. Let’s try a few good manners. It’s amazing how many people will respond. Try saying “please” and “thank you” and “do you mind” – this is the language of love.

Author: Jill Briscoe

I was in the midst of sadness aroused due to my incapability of finding a job that seems to be good and favorable to me. I can’t wait to start my own career life and the very wonderful scenes that i’ve been fantasizing once i was given the chance to show my ability and strength and my positive attitude in career: how i’m gonna excel in my career, how i’m gonna build my network and wealth, how i’m gonna turn myself from no one to someone, and bla bla bla. well, no matter how much energy i have within me, bit by bit, i’ve turned  from someone who has got so much confidence in herself to another person who’s so discouraged, because after several interviews that i’ve gone through, there’s no reply.

can’t help feeling upset, i grumbled to bro, wondering how come no one wants me, what’s wrong with me, what have i done not good enough… and all of a sudden, i uttered this very few sentence from my very own mouth:

“…… yeah, i know why God doesn’t wanna gimme a job yet, because He knows very well that i’m a cocky person who thinks she knows it all. that’s why he wants to polish my attitude first, let me learn my lesson first so i could become a humble person before i really get a job…”

bro’s reaction showed clearly that he couldn’t agree more~ XD

after sending bro to work, immediately i thought: it’s time to flip the bible and talk to God.

seriously, i have to shamefully confess that i used to think i’m someone who has what it takes to be a great man. i used to think i can do a lot of things in a much higher standard than anyone else. from the bottom of my heart, i realized such egoism, but i never really thought it’s a something that i need to change, because it’s a fact (gee, that really is deeply rooted in my bone man, no wonder i’m facing this moment now XD)!

now i remember what mom used to say to me, “don’t be so full of yourself, don’t be overly self-confident.” i still remember there was once, my team-mate of my school project argued with me. he told me something that i knew was indisputably true, yet didn’t really want to bother much as i wasn’t willing to. he said,

“… i know you are a very capable person. but you have to understand this is not a one man show. this is all about team work. now you have already decided everything and secretly did everything on your own without having any real discussion with us. you seem to have discussion with us but once you don’t like what we do you just reject it and redo everything on your own. what’s the point of forming a team then? to be a team leader you’re supposed to talk with us and work with us, explain, and lead us to your standard, not a project that is all done by you alone and you just inform us the progress…”

uncle jay used to tell me, “… you have to understand the meaning of being a true leader my dear. doing everything without communication with your team will not survive you. you need to learn how to work with other people, even if you think their standards and qualities are not of your level. that’s what a leader is supposed to be…”

if only i could fathom the truth behind all this earlier, perhaps i would not have to undergo this kinda sadness and discouragement anymore. when i was reading bible, i saw that devotional reading that reminds me how important it is to speak the language of love, something that never really present in my life no matter where and what i’m doing, because i’m just so used to boss around. yeah, it’s my attitude that’s killing me.

a lesson of my day~

she’s smirking…

gee… that sounds soooo familiar again isn’t it~?

yeah, that’s what the girl always says to herself. she al~ways has the same thought of changing herself, dump all the bad habits and negativities and bla bla bla. everybody wants to be a better person deep in their hearts, but everybody keeps having the same thing to change years after years~ XD

it’s not a bad thing though. as long as you have the thought of changing, just do it~! after all, there’s nothing that you’re gonna lose~ XD

her sister and the husband just left. she got up, closed the door and locked everything. within nano second, she thought of what her sis told her this afternoon:

“Why did you still put his picture in your purse? If you have decided, make sure it’s clean and clear. Do you know……”

the girl was sitting there busy chatting with friends, the ears were there listening, but none of the inputs was received. chatting she seems, but the mind understood clearly that she has already filtered what she refused to listen.

the sis ain’t the first one saying this to the girl. almost everybody says it’s good for the two to separate, because of religion, because of his attitudes, because of his nature and stuff. people in her life keep telling her that he’s not good enough for her, he’s unstable, she could find a better one, he will drag her down, he cannot take care of her…

she knows.

she knows much more than anybody else in this world does. but what they can never see, is her bad stuff, the way he treats her and loves her. she knows deeply that he will love her with all he has, she knows what kinda husband he would be, if they really got together. if he really is that bad, they wouldn’t have spent years of time together just to torture herself.

she knows what they do and don’t. she doesn’t need any of these people say any single word about her and her “ex.” she just needs some understanding and time to… to forget. that’s all she’s asking.

the picture will remain there, until the moment comes. if, there is such a moment.

*                    *                        *                      *

there she goes again, wanting to drown herself in sadness and negativity. but the girl then pulls herself out of the cycle. wipes off the liquid, cleans the mess…

see~?!

she’s all right again, knowing the worst will never last